Enjoying my 5 seconds of happiness each day

i'm so tired of talks about all these things now, already. i just wish to be left alone (regarding this issue) and indulge myself with work, tuition, guitar and anything else. Yes the occassional pangs of dread do attack in an unannounced, unexpectable fashion. And the aftermaths are usually seconds of grieving paralysis. But other than that, i'm getting okay-er with each hour. i don't need any counseling or consolation on this matter, and definitely not the vice versa.

Following is a wallpaper i designed for an endearing person. Nobody else gets it so you all can go salivate.

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20:59 |

 

Just had the most bizarre sleep paralysis of all time. For a start, it wasn't even a sleep paralysis. i was still 70% awake and thinking of... things. All of a sudden i felt myself going stiff. i did not even try to move or talk this time since i know all sensory feelings would be unreal. Then i (thought i) heard the door click open. And i (thought i) felt wind rushing past and i was shaken about. After a short while the wind stopped and i regained control. Standard Operational Procedures followed: gathered my things and escaped the bunk.  ¶

20:44 |

 

This morning i woke up, thinking that it was just another one of those dreaded days on which i have to drag myself to work, along with my weariness. Only five seconds later was i able to recall the events last night, and register the excruciating pain. From now on, i'll have five seconds of happiness each day.  ¶

14:41 |

 

bluepen is indeed feeling very blue today, and mildly malfunctioning. So here are some bums to cheer him up (or at least distract him enough with all the html coding). May the Olympic fever continue to burn.

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12:15 |

 

i might as well have been thunderstruck, lying in the silence and darkness, listening to you try to make things subtle, but fail utterly. Breath drained from my lungs. Stomach tightened. A vague nausea churning deep down. i could find no words to speak. When i finally did... what did i say? "Study hard." Why the hell did i say that for? i wanted to say shitshitshitshitshit damnitdamnit ohgod... How could this happen? i've come such a long long way, only to find that the journey ends here? With another lame hope placed "in the future". You said you needed to "move on". How could you have when i haven't? Never have. Still where i was. Still torn.

Retributions come in the the most ironic forms possible. And this time, life's little joke is just so. not. funny.  ¶

09:22 |

 

Now that i've finally found enough patience to read a post from her blog, which i never heard of before the Straits Times report, i need even more reminding why 1/3,000,000 of my NSF time (which translates to approximately 24.9 seconds) is spent protecting her.



And she probably uses Google to search for what people say about her anyway. So here goes: xiaxue xiaxue xiaxue xiaxue xiaxue xiaxue xiaxue xiaxue xiaxue xiaxue xiaxue. Hmmm... that should be sufficient. And sorry to all my readers, of whom there are perhaps 5, or roughly 1/266 of hers, this is by far the most unclassy post of mine.

Postscript: Omg she doesn't even look she belongs anywhere without a PINK background! And i noticed there's xiaxue.blogspot.com at one corner of each picture (which, incidentally, explains that she's "an expert at Photoshop!!!"), so perhaps i'm infringing some copyrights or other. So, please don't sue me if you find this. My readership is a pathetic 1/266 of yours and i can't bitch.  ¶

07:28 |

 

Vina should be touching down (if not already) at JFK international airport around now. And Kat is probably somewhere 2,999 feet above the Pacific (her weight contributing to the 1 feet less 3,000). And i'm stuck here, for two more years, with no prospects of pay rise, year-end bonus or real promotion. The five-day week is nowhere in sight. This is probably as good as serving term.

So since i'm stuck here anyway, here're two pictures of my college of desire, just to spur me on. If anyone important from there reads my blog (which, supposedly, has the same hit rate as Google), this IS sucking up. For every other Singaporean reader who FREQUENTS my site (man who am i trying to cheat?), leave your message to remind me why i'm spending two prime years of my life protecting your worthless bums.

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03:45 |

 

Newest update of my take on the bread-and-butter issue: work is good. Numero uno: i need the money. And numero dos: i need something to fill these days ahead which seem very empty - only four duties in the month of September, and a growing Christmas wantlist.

Anyway i'm getting used to the two-hour sessions of tuition, and am even capable to do it thrice a week. One of my students' mother is even asking me to teach her daughter Econs. God, i must take a while to identify which is the demand curve and which the supply curve.

So i've hit the old trusty Sloman again. And after two frantic nights trying to re-understand comparative advantage and terms of trade. i'm sick of Econs all over again, especially when Shengwu, who also happened to be on duty tonight, came by and gave me an enlightening run-down of ToT, albeit with a straining accent. That did like -100 for self-confidence... mine.  ¶

03:27 |

 

Presenting your favourite Olympics gym star of all time: Queen Svetlana Khorkina! (with some censorship of course :p)



And some childhood photos too. :)

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20:04 |

 

i'm very happy today mainly because of two things.

Number One: i had an Olympic dream last night. i dreamt that i beat the representative from our friendly neighbour state of India and won the gold medal for... WRESTLING! And the referee counted to 10 after i pinned him to the floor. Guess my dreamy brain cannot discern between boxing and wrestling. Anyway i then came home and told my mum, "Hey mum, Singapore's got a gold medal for the Olympic!" And my mum said, "Oh! For what event?" So i opened my luggage and presented her with the medal i just won. The dream was so real i woke up utterly disappointed to find myself without any medal, gold or not, and still having to go to work with a headache.

Number Two: This is the new sexy look for my blog! Not just a mascara here or a facial brush there. But a WHOLE NEW LOOK. Heh. Cheers me up whichever way i look at it. Now i'm VERY motivated to blog.

Ok summing up, Number One had a sad ending alright. But i find it very hilarious so, hahaha. Besides it makes up for the disappointment that Li Jiawei did not get into the finals, or bag any medal, despite my chants of "XIAO WEI!" *franctically waving her personalised table tennis ball* And with Number Two, my blog will soon reach the hit rate of Google, or maybe not.

Anyhow, in the very own words of the great Mao Tse-tong: Onward comrades! :)  ¶

22:47 |

 

Who'd have noticed such a subtle change but you, silently announcing the releasing of another fine specimen of the male population, open for bidding again. Except, he is not that open at all. And this time, not even you are around to notice...  ¶

12:02 |

 

It's not everyday that i get this angry (yes yes fucking furious, you can stop that eve, i only said it ONCE). Maybe i'm not mature enough to control my anger yet. And being caught in deep thought about the matter and suddenly slamming the table in frustration halfway through dinner were certainly points to improve. Anyway the anger has subsided much by now. In retrospect it didn't even seem like that serious a matter to warrant my fuming all over it. But this is perhaps an opportunity for me to learn something about dealing with people at work. i'll use it to the full extent, guaranteed. Who cares about NSF "career" anyway? Now THAT's dumb.  ¶

17:15 |

 

Jay's latest album is a blast. Much better than the last one at least, which almost got me thinking that his music is dying. So if you haven't gotten it you should do so. It's a worthy investment for your twenty bucks. And as usual, for half a year after his every album i'd be too ashamed to write anything of my own.

Yesterday the ghost-on-top-of-you pheonomenon happened to me again while i was napping during lunch break. This time it was rather long, like several minutes. i couldn't move and i couldn't talk. Then just as i was running out of things to think about and getting bored, i regained control of my body. Then i got up and left the bunk, rejoicing the fact that another afternoon's work awaited me, which is probably worse than losing control of my body, anyway.

Incidentally, today is my mum's birthday. Happy birthday Mum! She always says birthday is the day of the mother's tribulation. But only on my birthdays. She never said that on her own birthdays. What double standards...

Another urban myth: first runners-up for beauty contests are always prettier than the winners. Why?


Miss Hong Kong 2004  ¶

10:31 |

 

Just finished watching Love Actually. Yes it's a bit late, and at the wrong time of the year as well, but overnight duty gives one all the time and boredom in the world to do anything. Following that trend of thought, my days have been really aimless lately. No real goals. Sure the guitar exam is swinging around but i can't find serious motivation to practise. Besides that, life is a monotonous drawl from one day to the next, from home to office to random places, from uninteresting thoughts to masochistic thoughts. All of a sudden, i'm friendless. All the guys used to hang out with are in one camp or another. Someone special is starting school soon, too. And more and more, she's like beginning to have a life of her own outside mine. New names, new places, new events are popping up, challenging in their own subtly defying ways. Not to mention another someone, should we say special in a different way, has been having a life of her own all these whiles. Except, she's now seemingly nudging me out of it completely. Should i do the exit graciously? Smile, take a bow, maybe?

It's already the month of August. Or perhaps only August. Not a good time for Q&A, i should say.  ¶

01:50 |